OK, it's 2:30 in the morning and I have been awake since about well, have I really gone to bed yet........Not really. I am sitting here in bed with many emotions running through my body. I'm not sure what to think right now or what quite to feel. The last few days have been a roller coaster ride with many bumps on the track. I am feeling so many different feeling right now that some are very sad, some are very mad and some are very selfish. So I am writing this right now because I am not quite sure how to express myself. Every one else is all in bed asleep and I am left up all alone trying to deal with what I am feeling. This all started on Monday when John (my step dad) went in for knee surgery. He has been working up to this knee surgery for quite awhile. They have even come in to moms house and had set up all the equipment for his recovery when he came home. He went through many tests to show that he was fit for this surgery. Every thing suggested that all was well. So, he went in for his surgery on Monday. But let me say, somewhere in the back of my mind to me something didn't feel right about the surgery, but of course my thoughts were ones of me just worrying about how things would go. I thought I was just being silly and passed off the feelings I was feeling. Of course because things always work out this way for me, it has been a very busy couple of weeks for me. Busy selfish things filled with work issues, kid issues, church issues and such.....don't get me wrong these things are important too, but it never fails for me, I get so busy trying to just get caught up with everything that when things like this....(surgery) come along I squeeze it in where I can, but on the other hand.....things were suppose to be ok too. I was going to go up Tuesday and spend the day with Mom at the hospital while the kids were at school. Well Steph ended up being real sick. I didn't feel right sending her to grandma Parks with all the other grandkids when she was sick, so I stayed home with her, and being selfish again, it was kind of nice just to stay home. I was so exhausted and drained that both of us snuggled up in my bed and I slept for 3 hours. And yes, it did feel nice to rest. But as always when I choose not to do that other important thing......everything goes wrong. Guilt sets in. And now here I sit wondering how everything could go so wrong. Is it because I keep making the wrong decisions. I don't know. But anyway John did really well after his surgery. So after staying home with Steph on Tuesday, I though well all is good I can squeeze going in on Friday when I can take Sam up to her Doctors appointment in American Fork. After all I had committed to work on Thursday and that was important too cuz the were giving me the opportunity to come in and catch up on all the testing issues, and tie up loose ends on the new Chorus room computer lab I have been setting up. And I also committed to sub on Friday. I have it very important to take these extra days that they give me to help pay for the doctor appointment we have to send Sam too. So I take what I can get. So tell me how do you prioritize when I always seem to prioritize the wrong way. So, I go to work on Wednesday which is my regular day. It was an important day too. It was the first day of our district writing assessment mandated by the State. I had Mrs. Morgans and Mrs. Keens class coming in the same time to the lab. I had to do extra work to set up for this test. They have 38 student between the two of them so we had to both me and Morgan in there. And of course this would be the day that my phone went dead. It was 3 bars the night before. Why does this happen. I get an email from Kurtis telling me that they think John has had a stroke. I'm feeling torn and I'm feeling selfish. Why Now, I'm busy with an important test. But being realistic, I know where I need to be. The Hospital. Then I want to kick my self for being selfish. I know this isn't about me, this isn't about bad timing. This is happening, this is real, And then I start thinking......I CAN"T DO THIS AGAIN! I watched Dad die from a stroke about 15 years ago. He died within 24 hours, and within 24 hours our lives changed so much. Mom changed so much, everything changed so much. They were hard years! The were lonely years, And now...at this moment we have to do it again. And now I have to watch Mom go through this again. I don't want to do this again. And there I go being selfish again. I am such a selfish person. So anyway after all this running through my head, I have Paula (school secretary) call the other schools and get Sam and Mike out while I tie up loose ends at the school and leave Morgan with 38 students and grab Steph from class and we head up to the hospital. Emotions are high, We catch Kurtis in the van in Spanish Fork just leaving work and follow him up. He was going to give a blessing to John. We get to the ICU, we wait for a bit because John is having a Cat scan done. The doctor informs us that the Cat scan shows nothing. So then we wonder....why is he not responding. Why won't he wake up. So then they think it is the medicine. So they stop giving him all any pain meds. This poor man! Just had major knee surgery, and they are taking them of is pain medicine. But the think that will jar him back.....but.........it didn't. So at this point a blessing is done. We felt some hope. He tried to open his eyes and weakly squeezed or moved his fingers.........but not for long. He just became more unresponsive. Kurtis had to leave to finish the ovens at the lab. He took Steph with him and Mike and Sam stayed with me. I am so thankful that they were with me. At times like this they can be such a great strenght to me. Especially after leaving the ICU room and heading for the waiting room, we come face to face with my sister and her husband. Yes this is my only sister and I don't have brothers. Yes this is the sister who has disowned my family for the last year and a half because I wouldn't get in the middle of a fight between her and mom. Because for the first time in many years, I was in a good place with both of them and I didn't want to ruin that. How selfish of me. And now...on top of Johns situation, I had to deal with her. And I knew at that exact moment how all of this was going to play out. So when there was nothing left we could do at the hospital that night, me and the girls left for home. John was going in for an MRI in the morning so I thought I would go ahead and go to work for a few hours until I heard anything. About 12:30 I pulled Michaela out of school and we went up. I felt like I should be there. When I got there of course my sister was there. Which I know she has every right to be there, but me being selfish and ever so irritated that she has had nothing to do with us over this time and hardly anything with Mom except for some cold yes and no conversations, walks back in and is joined at the hip with Mom. So like I said, I knew how everything was going to play out, but ok Jill stop being so selfish. This isn't about you, this is about Mom and John. So I got to go back and see John for only just a min. cuz they had come back with his MRI results which still showed nothing so they wanted to do a spinal tap and check his fluids. We had to leave the room. So why they did that Mom, me, mike and yes of course Danalyn went to have lunch at the cafeteria. Trying hard to be civil. Trying hard..........when she pops off with her rude, belittling, how did you get to be so stupid Jill comment. And yes at that moment the true reality hits me.......I have been a better person with out you for the last year and a half. And it hits me too, Danalyn you are a bully. You are rude. And you are manipulative! You are the type of person that I have been trying to keep Sam away from because of the damage people like you do.....you are the type of person that makes my daughter have to her Doctor in American Fork. You are the type of person that has turned our life upside down. YOU ARE AN ADULT BULLY! You like to tear people down who are a threat to you! I was in your way of Mom and you manipulated your way back in and are going to push me out again by making me feel like I am stupid, and what I have to say is not important. I was frustrated, I was angry at her. Even Moms personality changes toward us when Danalyn is around. She manipulates and Mom can't see it. Even Michaela noticed it. She would try and talk with her grandma and she would be distracted by something Danalyn would say or do. Mike didn't even get to see john this time. I felt like exploding I felt so mad, I'll I could think about was how she hasn't been around for so long and mom leaned on our family for support, not I was just a fixture and like I said I knew exactly how all this was going to play out, So Instead of blowing up in front of my family and Johns, I decide it's best to leave. It's late anyway, Mike needs to get home, I'm missing Sams volleyball game, and there is no change. I cried all the way home. I cried cuz I'm so selfish during this time, I cried cuz I am so angry with my sister, and I'm crying cuz Mom didn't even flinch when she talked to me the way she did. And yes I am crying cuz John is in the situation he is in and we don't know why. So I get home, I cry my eyes out to Kurtis. I give all my girls hugs and let them know how much i appreciate them. We go to bed.....I don't sleep, I'm still so angry, upset and confused........then the call comes. It's mom. After I left the neurologist had come in (Of course it is after I leave so I miss being part of the bond that is going on, but no shock there, it always works out that way for me.....this is my pity party) anyway, he confirms that John has had a stroke. Why it didn't show up on the scan and MRI I don't know, but it will be a couple of days until we know the damage. So now here I sit, wondering (being selfish) wonder how all this is now going to play out. Where do I fit in to the scheme as all of them are all together at moms house having stroke mourning bonding time while I let myself walk away and not be included. I try to do the right thing but the right thing is always wrong. Being alone at now 4:00 in the morning is hard. Knowing that I will just fixture now that Danalyn is back in the picture is hard. Knowing Mom has to go through another stroke victim is hard. Seeing what John is going through is hard. Knowing Johns kids have to go through what we have already been through once is hard. Knowing I don't really have anyone to talk to about this......IS HARD. Let see if I can find a bright side to this. I guess if Mom and Danalyns bond has been restored after all this time, then that's great for mom. I know she has missed her relationship with Danalyn. I was a good substitute during that time, and I am thankful for the times me and mom had during that time. I don't know if me and Danalyns relationship will ever mend. I want and (and need) to be around people who lift me up, not tear me down. For some reason Danalyn likes to tear me down. And I guess I am thankful for recognizing that now because for many years I really thought I was as dumb as she liked to make me feel. I felt like I deserved the treatment because I was an idiot. But the year and a half that she didn't want to be part of our lives, I grew, my horizons were endless. I was a person, I was important and I am here! And during this time also, relationships for my girls expanded as they embraced what kurtis family could do for them. They grew closer to other aunts as they needed guidance through difficult times. So if John having a stroke has brought me to realize these things, there is a positive note. My thoughts and prayers are with John at this time. I feel for him. The unknown is now ahead of us and I don't know what it will bring. Yes I am scared, Yes I am nervous and yes, I am concerned. I pray that Mom will have the streangth to deal with whatever will come her way. My heart is broken in many different ways at this time. I pray to that the Lord will bless me with the streangth I will need, and the courage to do what I need to do. I don't know if this blog will make sense to anyone but me, after all it is now 4:15 in the morning. Probably it wont even be read by anyone either because it is sooooo long, but at least it was a means for me to express someway what I am feeling. To sort out my feelings, and to occupy my sleepless night. But this is a wakeup call to embrace life while it's here. Take the time to put important things first. Life is a journey with bumps in the road, its how we drive over them that counts. My prayers are with all involved or anyone else going through a hard time at this time. GOODNIGHT (or morning)..it's almost time for me to get up now.
